(For best results, copy-paste this into a text-to-speech program and have Microsoft Sam read it.)
Okay guys, I gots a really good story. This one time I was at the store and I was buying a frozen chicken, and when I was leaving the store, a guy threw a football at me, so I turned around and threw the frozen chicken at him and it hit him in the head and he fell to the ground and he died. Hahahhahahahah soisoisoisoisoisoi. When I left the store a giant anus was shooting things with its poop gun and I got hit with the poop gun and I died, and when I got to Heaven, Jesus was all like “The Anus Men from Uranus are attacking Earth and the only way to stop them is by throwing a frozen chicken at the Mother Anus.” And I was all like are you going to help me, and he was all like, “No way man, you’re on your own.” And he pushed me off the clouds and I fell back to Earth.
When I woke back up I was lying in the parking lot and the Mother Anus was hovering above shooting things with its poop gun, so I ran into the store and grabbed a frozen chicken, and I turned around and three Anus Men were standing there with their mini poop guns in-hand, so I threw the frozen chicken at them and it hit one of them and he fell to the ground and died, but then one of them shot me with the mini poop gun and I got hit with the poop gun and I died, and when I got back to Heaven, Jesus was all like “What the Hell man? You were supposed to destroy the Mother Anus. Go back and do it right.” And he kicked me in the balls and I fell off the clouds and back to Earth.
When I woke up, I was on the floor of the grocery store, so I got up and grabbed another frozen chicken and I left the store and threw the frozen chicken at the Mother Anus, but it came back down and crushed my skull and I fell down and I died, and when I got back to Heaven, Jesus was all like, “Seriously dude. You suck at this.” And he shot me in the head and I fell down and I died, and I went to Super Heaven and Super Jesus was all like, “What the fuck are you doing here?” And he chased me off the clouds with a bulldozer and I fell back to Heaven and Jesus scrapped me up with a shovel and dumped me over the edge and I fell back to Earth.
When I got back to Earth I picked up the frozen chicken again and I went to the roof of the store and I threw the frozen chicken at the Mother Anus, but it missed and instead came down and smashed a car windshield and a guy came up to me and was all like, “What the fuck did you do that for?” And he pushed me off the building and I fell down to the ground and I died and when I went to Heaven, Jesus was all like, “Forget it. I’m sending you to Hell.” And he poked me in the ass with a pitchfork and I fell down to Hell and Satan was all like, “Welcome to Hell. We have Bingo Night tonight.” And I was all like I love bingo and he was all like, “Well then, you’ll love it here.” And I stayed in Hell for all eternity. The End.